Heh-HEY there, America, and thanks for stopping by for another edition of Ben Needed Something For His Blog Trivia! I'm your host, the interchangeable Id, Ego and Super-Ego of Benjamin Mumford-Zisk, here to tell you that tree pollen is the number on killer of Americans under ninety-nine, so don't forget to spay and neuter your houseplants!
- The average cumulus cloud weighs how much, fifty pounds, one thousand pounds, a hundred thousand pounds, or more than a million pounds?
- Which group bites more people every year, sharks or New Yorkers?
- What famous European chocolate spreadable was invented during WWII by a hazelnut-rich Italian gentleman looking to extend his chocolate ration?
- What famous elf-driven Nintendo game with a misleading title made its debut on this day in 1986, making it thirty years old and far more successful at that age than I am WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?
- What common farm animal, which shares its name with a Black Sabbath song, was employed by alexander the great to frighten his enemies’ War Elephants?
I have this team that shows up a lot of Sundays who call themselves them Muffdivers. They sit in the corner and yell "Muff Die VERS!" every chance they get. They get a lot of chances, cause they're like twenty-one and go to college, so they're used to going after every opening they see. I also pause a lot. I think they might be scared of silence. They're great.
- Which two objects in the sky appear to be the same size due to the smaller object being both four hundred times smaller in diameter and four hundred times closer to the earth, approximately? You need to get them both for credit, BEE TEE DUBS. Round one, kids.
- Mattel once tried to sue the band Aqua over what song?
- St Patrick’s Day is known as a day of excess today given the holiday’s origins as a feast day on which worshipers could, for one day, ignore the restrictions leveled on them by which Catholic religious observance? Another way of getting this answer would be to turn to a catholic and ask them, what the hell are you doing for god, these days?
- What mythical creature remains the national animal of Scotland, in spite of the fact that it is 2016? Your hint is that because Scotland is not a virgin, the nation will never be able to attract one of these things.
- What does Jordan Peele, of Key and Peele, have in common with Jennifer Love Hewitt, star of The Ghost Whisperer and a lot of other things that were not The Ghost Whisperer?
- For one point apiece, name both of Harper Lee’s famous novels, one of which is an American classic and the other of which is a rehash that dismantles the victories of an American classic?
- I Love You Porgy was the first hit for which famous American chanteuse?
- What shimmering craft supply, also known as ‘craft herpes,’ is in fact so unique thanks to its manufacturing processes that it can and has been used as forensic evidence in court cases?
- There are at least one point six million of which of the following for every human being on Earth: Ants, Chopsticks, or old AOL CDs?
- What is the name of the American magazine, published by Conde Nast, specializing in long form reportage and literature, whose first issue hit the stands this week in 1925?
Hey, we're gonna do our super secret bonus round! All these questions fit a theme, and if you can tell me what the theme is, I'll give you five extra points! Well, I won't give them to you, I'm not scoring this and I'm actually a figment of your imagination!
I'm not wearing underwear.
I don't have a body.
2.2 SUPER SECRET BONUS ROUND
- Bill Watterson is the creator of what beloved comic strip, which follows the adventures of a little blond boy and his hyperactive imagination?
- Tyler Durden and the Narrator are the protagonists of what oft quoted novel and movie?
- The giant terrible rabbit that follows Donnie Darko has been called a horror-movie homage to this 1950 Jimmy Stewart movie, in which a loveable alcoholic claims that he has made friends with an invisible, six foot bow-tie wearing rabbit?
- Who is Big Bird’s best friend on Sesame Street?
- Maurice Sendak is the author of what beloved children’s novel?
- BONUS THEME IS? (5 points)
Didja GET IT?
Man, I didn't. I never do. And they won't give me the answers until after the commercials, cause ONE TIME I made a few bets. Never gonna let me forget that, ARE ya, Ernie? No, I'm not gonna let it go, my goddam knee pops every time I sit down!
Because they broke it!
Because I couldn't pay the vig, ERNIE.
- What does the Japanese word Kamikaze translate to in English?
- What is the name of the current Patriarch of the Russian Orthodox Church? Your hint is that he’s been all over the news for his wild exploits with the ah, the Pope. Papparazzi has been all OVER them at the clubs.
- Sam Peckinpah is best known as a director of what genre of movie? It’s not porn.
- What does NASCAR stand for?
- What is the name of the 1948 breeding contest that resulted in the breed of chicken that we all know, love, and eat the shit out of to an obscene degree? Was it Chickfest ’48, The Chicken of Tomorrow, or Fowler’s Best in Breed Poultry Convention?
Bill? I thought he was a Mormon?
They can lapse?
Huh. Learn something new every day.
- According to the company’s Chief Marketing Officer, in the mid-nineties about half of the CDs produced in the world had which company’s logo on them?
- The Prague Cemetary, the Name of the Rose and The Island of the day before are all books by this Italian novelist, who died this past week at the age of 84. Your hint is if you’ve heard of any 84 year old Italian novelists who died this past week, it was probably this one.
- Danny Devito’s first job was as a hairdresser for what group of people who never need a hairdresser more than once?
- Elizabeth Blackwell was the first American Woman to attend what kind of school? She was admitted as a joke in 1847 and then graduated in 1849 and opened her own practice.
- And finally, for a whopping FIFTEEN POINTS if you know your shit…For one point apiece…name all of Chuck Palahniuk’s novels.
All right, folks, I'm betting there's a lot of one and two point responses to that last one, we'll be back with answers, after this!
Where's my cigarettes?
Yeah, I did quit, there's a key bump in there.
It's been a long year, Ern.
Well, Marsha left, and I think she wants a divorce, I dunno, I'm having panic attacks every–
"Well, no, I just don't think we can trust someone like her in the White House."
"She was Secretary of State, dad. And I mean, even if you don't like her, what about Bernie-"
"Oh, don't talk to me about that socialist. I mean, I haven't made up my MIND to vote for Trump, but..."
Does this happen to you? Do you find your family holidays ruined by off-the-rails conservative elements in your family? Are you tired of mentally compensating for loved ones who veil racist, misogynistic or culturally suicidal sentiments behind vaguely-articulated political dogma? Then PrickOff is for you!
Prickoff is a medical-grade corrosive substance bound up in a viscous antiseptic and anesthetic solution that can be swabbed on to the unevolved members of your family to quickly and painlessly burn them away. PrickOff works in minutes, and cleans up with water!
So next time Gramma starts talking about the Thugs in the White House, or Uncle Frank tells you he supports Donald Trump's plan to bomb Agraba, don't nod and smile and add to your ulcer! Reach for the PrickOff, and Make America Great again!
PrickOff. Remember, there's a chance that gold-mopped psychopath could win, so the more of these morons we keep from voting, the better.
KY Liberal Polish.
Is your liberal...tarnished?
Is your liberal...dirty?
KY Liberal polish is designed to leave your liberal clean, well-moisturized and with that new-liberal shine that got you so excited about them in the first place.
So if that liberal might not have all the answers you thought he did
Or if you think your liberal might be frighteningly adept at playing nice with wall street insiders
Rub them down with KY Liberal Polish...liberally.
They'll thank you
After they calm down.
And maybe while they're napping
You'll remember that it's a goddam charmed life that gets to choose between Bernie Sanders and Hilary Clinton, so let's all CALM THE FUCK DOWN and WORK TOGETHER LIKE GROWNUPS!
KY Liberal Polish. The hand job with a moral and social conscience.
AND WE'RE BACK, WITH ANSWERS AND MORE JOKES!
- The average cumulous cloud weighs one point one million pounds. They've just forgotten this fact, so they float in the sky.
- New Yorkers. That city is a shark tank! I'll...see myself out.
- Nutella. In the bar, we had this chick yell this out as soon as I asked the question. Three times in a row. I don't mind that she was looking for a laugh, it's the instagram generation. Probably something even more ephemeral and meaningless, instagram is pretty old. What gets me, though, is that she used the same joke three times. Just...lazy writing. You can do better, vapid Cornell chick drinking on a sunday night. You can do better.
- The Legend of Zelda
- War Pigs. I mean, pigs are fucking terrifying, so this doesn't really shock me.
- The Sun and the Moon
- Barbie Girl
- It’s Lent, which means I’ve given up sobriety. Just kidding. I'm not Catholic, so I don't have a drinking problem.
- Unicorns. Scotland, being a virgin, cannot attract a unicorn, but they haven't given up trying.
- Today is their birthday. Also they are both beautiful people whose faces haunt my dreams.
- To kill a Mockingbird and Go Set a Watchman
- Nina Simone. I had one dude who knew this. He had a long, orange beard and horn rim glasses and and an ironic sweatshirt. He might have been 22, and he told me, when he dropped off his answers, that I had mispronounced "Porgy."
I feel like I should make a joke, but I think he made it for me.
- The New Yorker
- Calvin and Hobbes
- Fight Club
- Harvey. Say Hello, Harvey! My friend told me that he was a Pooka. Pukka. Polka. Something like that.
- Snuffleupogus, who was made a real character in 86, as opposed to being Big Bird’s invisible friend in order to teach kids that they can tell adults about important things and be taken seriously.
- Where the wild things are.
- . Invisible Friends. D'awwwwww
- Divine or spirit wind. Lotsa folks thought it just meant "Suicide." Lotsa folks don't understand the power of branding.
- Westerns. Also porn. But Western Porn
- National Association of Stock Car Auto Racing.
- Chicken of Tomorrow! Which was also a movie. That was lampooned on Mystery Science Theater 3000. So you know it's REALLY good.
- Umberto Eco
- Dead People. Devito did the hair for an undertaker.
- Medical School.
- Fight Club, Survivor, Invisible Monsters, Choke, Lullaby, Diary, Haunted, Rant, Snuff, Pygmy, Tell-All, Damned, Invisible Monsters Remix, Doomed, Beautiful You, Make Something Up.
And that's it for Trivia, America!
Tune in next week when we gut a chicken before the commercial break, and divine the answers from the entrails!
All right, kill the lights, get all these people out of here, I'll be in makeup until my body double arrives.