Heh-HEY there, America, and thanks for stopping by for another edition of Ben Needed Something For His Blog Trivia! I'm your host, the interchangeable Id, Ego and Super-Ego of Benjamin Mumford-Zisk, here to tell you that tree pollen is the number on killer of Americans under ninety-nine, so don't forget to spay and neuter your houseplants!
I have this team that shows up a lot of Sundays who call themselves them Muffdivers. They sit in the corner and yell "Muff Die VERS!" every chance they get. They get a lot of chances, cause they're like twenty-one and go to college, so they're used to going after every opening they see. I also pause a lot. I think they might be scared of silence. They're great.
Hey, we're gonna do our super secret bonus round! All these questions fit a theme, and if you can tell me what the theme is, I'll give you five extra points! Well, I won't give them to you, I'm not scoring this and I'm actually a figment of your imagination!
I'm not wearing underwear.
I don't have a body.
2.2 SUPER SECRET BONUS ROUND
Didja GET IT?
Man, I didn't. I never do. And they won't give me the answers until after the commercials, cause ONE TIME I made a few bets. Never gonna let me forget that, ARE ya, Ernie? No, I'm not gonna let it go, my goddam knee pops every time I sit down!
Because they broke it!
Because I couldn't pay the vig, ERNIE.
Bill? I thought he was a Mormon?
They can lapse?
Huh. Learn something new every day.
All right, folks, I'm betting there's a lot of one and two point responses to that last one, we'll be back with answers, after this!
Where's my cigarettes?
Yeah, I did quit, there's a key bump in there.
It's been a long year, Ern.
Well, Marsha left, and I think she wants a divorce, I dunno, I'm having panic attacks every–
"Well, no, I just don't think we can trust someone like her in the White House."
"She was Secretary of State, dad. And I mean, even if you don't like her, what about Bernie-"
"Oh, don't talk to me about that socialist. I mean, I haven't made up my MIND to vote for Trump, but..."
Does this happen to you? Do you find your family holidays ruined by off-the-rails conservative elements in your family? Are you tired of mentally compensating for loved ones who veil racist, misogynistic or culturally suicidal sentiments behind vaguely-articulated political dogma? Then PrickOff is for you!
Prickoff is a medical-grade corrosive substance bound up in a viscous antiseptic and anesthetic solution that can be swabbed on to the unevolved members of your family to quickly and painlessly burn them away. PrickOff works in minutes, and cleans up with water!
So next time Gramma starts talking about the Thugs in the White House, or Uncle Frank tells you he supports Donald Trump's plan to bomb Agraba, don't nod and smile and add to your ulcer! Reach for the PrickOff, and Make America Great again!
PrickOff. Remember, there's a chance that gold-mopped psychopath could win, so the more of these morons we keep from voting, the better.
KY Liberal Polish.
Is your liberal...tarnished?
Is your liberal...dirty?
KY Liberal polish is designed to leave your liberal clean, well-moisturized and with that new-liberal shine that got you so excited about them in the first place.
So if that liberal might not have all the answers you thought he did
Or if you think your liberal might be frighteningly adept at playing nice with wall street insiders
Rub them down with KY Liberal Polish...liberally.
They'll thank you
After they calm down.
And maybe while they're napping
You'll remember that it's a goddam charmed life that gets to choose between Bernie Sanders and Hilary Clinton, so let's all CALM THE FUCK DOWN and WORK TOGETHER LIKE GROWNUPS!
KY Liberal Polish. The hand job with a moral and social conscience.
AND WE'RE BACK, WITH ANSWERS AND MORE JOKES!
And that's it for Trivia, America!
Tune in next week when we gut a chicken before the commercial break, and divine the answers from the entrails!
All right, kill the lights, get all these people out of here, I'll be in makeup until my body double arrives.