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Holy Hot Dog Holder!6/23/2018  ***** Amazon Review of David Archer Underwear with separate pouches fly trunks. *****
Let us begin by saying that these underwears have taught me the true meaning of 'Panty Privilege.' Panty Privilege is the privilege enjoyed by those living in cold places. Y'all up in the north have panty privilege. You can buy ten pairs of heavy cotton for ten bucks and call it a day. If I wear those cheap heavy cottons down here in TEXAS, I get a medical condition I call "Sous-Vide Crotch." Do I need to explain "Sous-Vide Crotch?" It's hot in Texas. Hot, and humid. And, see, a man's body, in certain regions, is built like if you sealed a couple of steaks in plastic wrap and pressed them between two pork chops in a steam bath. It's not a good scene. In Texas, you can't get cheap underwear. You gotta spring for the good stuff, with moisture wicking fabric and the space-age designs. It's expensive! Y'all can buy whatever with your northern privilege, but I gotta put myself in debt for my underwear. It's not fair! That's Panty Privilege. I bought this because I've been watching a lot of Star Trek: TNG lately and I thought it looked cool. But it turns out this is a face-trimmer machine. So now my face is pretty smooth. I will say this thing doesn't get all my hairs unless I really grind it in there, but if I grind it in there I get ashy face. And I'm white, so like, if the ashy face is showing up on me, you know this face-trimmer machine is ashing something FIERCE. Still, works good.   OSTER BELGIAN WAFFLE MAKER Look, I'll come right out with it. There isn't much you can't cook in a waffle maker. Pretty much soup. Everything else is fair game. PROVE ME WRONG, AMERICA!  Wolf crotch, so good.4/23/2018  My partner was living in NZ, I was still in the states. I got a video camera and did a dance to "She Wolf" by Shakira and dropped trou right when Shakira sings "aah-oooh" in that breathy way she does. (Seriously, great song, look it up if you don't know it.) My package fills out the dog snout, so it really looks like I have a wolf in my pants. My partner found it hilarious, she loves it when I wear them now that we're reunited, and frankly, I still get a kick out of taking my pants off in front of a mirror and making dog noises. There's no fly, though, so be warned that you're gonna have to pull em down when you have to pee. On the plus side, "gotta go face-peel the wolf" is a great euphemism for using the bathroom.  Nice Bag. Kinda Conspicuous...4/19/2018 If you are looking for something to hold your passport, phone, wallet and cash and ALSO alert pickpockets that, yes, you are an American traveling abroad, this is your jam. Well-built though. And, I mean, as long as you wear it securely or maybe stash it in your bag, it's a convenient place to keep ALL YOUR VALUABLE THINGS YOU DON'T WANT STOLEN.  Sweet Vest, Bro.4/19/2018  I wanted something that said "Donald Sutherland in Animal House is my spirit animal." I put on this vest, blacked out, and woke up with a twenty-one-year-old English major in my bed. This distressed me, but less than it would have if I had not been wearing this sweet, sweet vest.
 I bought this thing for my mom for her birthday right before I traveled abroad, so that we could skype. How many times has she skyped me? Frickin' once. ONCE. She tells me she doesn't remember how to turn it on, but I set it up on a mac mini and ran her through it, I dunno what the problem is. Seriously one of the most user-friendly machine setups I've ever used. But do I ever get to see my sweet mother? HELL no. You wanna know how many times we've talked? Like, as a symbol of how many times we've talked? I FORGOT I BOUGHT THE STUPID THING UNTIL JUST NOW. Like, I was scrolling down my amazon purchases, writing reviews, like ya do, and I was like, hey, cool camera, when did I buy OH GOD DAMMIT MOM. GOD DAMMIT. Solid camera though. Would purchase again. Or maybe I'll just steal hers when I get home. Not like she uses the damn thing. Categories
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